I love being a foster parent. This may sound awful, but I
love being told about a new kiddo who needs us. I hate that they need us, but I
love getting the call that I will get a new kid to love on. I love the wait to
meet the new little person who is going to temporarily join our family (okay,
sometimes I hate the actual wait between the call and drop off). I love getting
to know their personalities, figuring out how to connect with them, sharing
smiles with my husband when they do something cute or working with him to
develop a better way to parent. I love communicating and sharing with the kids’
parents, until I have a reason to NOT love it. Give me a slew of therapy appointments,
doctor visits, family visitation and social workers to coordinate any day and I will manage the heck
out of that schedule happily if it helps our little ones (I understand that I have the benefit of being a SAHM here, and the luxury of time that entails).
What I don’t love? Is when hubby and I disagree on something in relation to our foster children. We are in sync on the biggies – we’re okay with fostering and not adopting, we believe in supporting parents as much as is possible, we hope for kids to go home or find kinship placement. But now we’ve reached an impasse that we don’t agree on. I want to adopt SuperD. Hubby does not, or doesn’t think he does. It is a gut-wrenching decision that is dredging up a lot of big feelings for him, and not something he is taking lightly at all. He has his reasons, they are very valid, and they are not mine to share in any depth. I have so much respect for the amount of thought and effort he has put into getting to this point. But that doesn’t change the fact that we don’t agree. And, unfortunately in this situation, the person who says no has to win. Except it isn’t like winning, it’s more like everyone loses.
I have said all along that our marriage comes first. When you are raising other people’s children, the adult relationship HAS to come first, in my opinion. That’s probably true when you’re raising your own children as well, but I don’t have that experience to draw from. Our marriage has to outlast kids coming and going, kids staying, and all manner of other stressors. I have told hubby that I love him and will support him no matter what the outcome of this situation is. We have to be on the same page about adopting a child for it to work. Whatever decision is made, we will present it to our caseworker as one we made together, even if it is only the desire of one of us.
That said, I have to deal with my feelings about this as well. I am a little angry, pretty darn sad and very concerned about SuperD’s future if and when he has to transition again. And all of this is causing me to re-evaluate our future as foster parents, once these two cases conclude. I never would have expected to be a foster parent who didn’t adopt an adoptable child.
What I don’t love? Is when hubby and I disagree on something in relation to our foster children. We are in sync on the biggies – we’re okay with fostering and not adopting, we believe in supporting parents as much as is possible, we hope for kids to go home or find kinship placement. But now we’ve reached an impasse that we don’t agree on. I want to adopt SuperD. Hubby does not, or doesn’t think he does. It is a gut-wrenching decision that is dredging up a lot of big feelings for him, and not something he is taking lightly at all. He has his reasons, they are very valid, and they are not mine to share in any depth. I have so much respect for the amount of thought and effort he has put into getting to this point. But that doesn’t change the fact that we don’t agree. And, unfortunately in this situation, the person who says no has to win. Except it isn’t like winning, it’s more like everyone loses.
I have said all along that our marriage comes first. When you are raising other people’s children, the adult relationship HAS to come first, in my opinion. That’s probably true when you’re raising your own children as well, but I don’t have that experience to draw from. Our marriage has to outlast kids coming and going, kids staying, and all manner of other stressors. I have told hubby that I love him and will support him no matter what the outcome of this situation is. We have to be on the same page about adopting a child for it to work. Whatever decision is made, we will present it to our caseworker as one we made together, even if it is only the desire of one of us.
That said, I have to deal with my feelings about this as well. I am a little angry, pretty darn sad and very concerned about SuperD’s future if and when he has to transition again. And all of this is causing me to re-evaluate our future as foster parents, once these two cases conclude. I never would have expected to be a foster parent who didn’t adopt an adoptable child.
As I write this, Monkey is lying next to me eating her toes and giggling. I really, REALLY love being a foster parent. Must keep that in mind.
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