Flashbacks

While I was out running errands today, hubby did some rearranging in Monkey’s room. We wanted to take the changing table and swing out, as we’re not using them anymore, and create a better play space for our active girl. Hubby took the furniture out and moved our spare toddler bed, which had been shoved into a corner. Inadvertently, the setup is almost exactly how it was when we had A & N. He mentally noted it and figured I would tell him if I wanted it changed, but didn’t tell me.

Cut to me walking into the room to put Monkey down for her nap, settling into the rocking chair to feed her, looking around and falling apart. With this setup, everywhere I look I see A & N. A climbing into N’s bed and N getting mad. N crawling under the bookshelf and giggling. Both girls snuggling into a big, pink stuffed bunny. The mental images just keep coming. I finally got Monkey down and walked into the kitchen, tears streaming. Hubby took one look at me and knew exactly what was going on.

Most of the time, I’m fine. I can smile at memories of the girls, love being in touch with their relatives and adore getting new photos and updates of my babies. But man, I was not prepared for that today. It’s days like today that our mantra, “We can do hard things,” (thanks Momastery) is my lifeline.I will definitely be getting to work in there and changing things to meet Monkey's needs ASAP.

Easy days

The last couple of weeks have been great with SuperD. The kid is developing a seriously funny sense of humor. Today I asked him to put shoes on so we could go run an errand. I told him he could wear whatever shoes he wanted ( he has tennis, sandals and Crocs). I went to get the baby ready. When I came back, D told me he was ready, all straight faced, while wearing hubby’s sandals. I cracked up! It probably doesn’t read as funny as it was, but for a kid who was too anxious to assert himself in any way a few months ago, this was awesome!

Monkey has also been so cute I could eat her up. She’s so chatty and snuggly and just precious. I’m loving this season in our family. What I don’t love is my near-constant feeling that the other shoe is going to drop. I SO wish this was our forever family. It’s all so sweet and happy right now. I hate knowing that in three weeks, or three months, everything could (and probably will) change. For now I just try to really embrace and enjoy every day. I’m determined that we are going to have FUN this summer!

All's well that ends well

Of course, the visitation worker showed up and was SO apologetic about being late and so understanding. Now I really feel awful! Oh, well. Monkey is home and already fast asleep.

In unrelated kid-cuteness, after his bath, SuperD asked if I could put pink paint on his toes like I have on mine (except my nail polish is green!). I told him I’d do it this weekend, and I can’t wait!

Transportation confusion

This is the first time EVER that I haven’t taken Monkey to her family visit (because of work). Visitation worker was supposed to pick her up at daycare, supervise visit, return to daycare. Our daycare provider told me the worker was over an hour late picking Monkey up, which means the visit was delayed. As I was leaving work, visitation worker called me and told me that since the visit was late, I could just come pick Monkey up but then I’d have to go back to the daycare to get the stroller because she didn’t take it with her. Um….

I asserted myself and told her that she was welcome to deliver Monkey to my house and I’d stop by and pick up the stroller on my way home, after I got SuperD from school. She was gracious about it, but I still feel guilty. I’m so used to bending over backwards and doing whatever is asked of me for foster care that for me to say no is a pretty big deal. I don’t think it’s actually a big deal to anyone else, but I still feel like I need to apologize for not dropping everything and going to pick up Monkey.

Reading over that, I feel I should add that the main reason I didn’t want to pick her up was because it is SO confusing to SuperD to have to go to Monkey’s visits, and I think it is unfair to put him through that if I don’t have to. Also, I admit, I really wanted a teeny bio parent break now that we’re calling/texting on non-visit weeks. I also really like this visitation worker so I will likely go out of my way to transport Monkey in the future whenever possible.

Trucking along

Today was my first day at work, and Monkey’s first full day at daycare. I did get off earlier than expected and was able to pick her up an hour early. She didn’t want to let go of our daycare provider! She didn’t reach for me. When I finally took her, she wouldn’t even look at me. I couldn’t get a smile out of her until we got to SuperD’s school to pick him up. She finally thawed out after we spent a good 30 minutes snuggling and playing at home. Then I rocked her to sleep tonight, which I know isn’t great, but I just didn’t want to put her down!

SuperD is doing very well at his full day “summer school.” His teacher must have excelling classroom management skills, or else he’s still in the honeymoon period. I am impressed every time I pick him up with how well the kids are all behaving.

Tonight, SuperD told me, “I missed you a long, long time ago when I lived with my dad.” Of course we didn’t know each other then, but still…Break. My. Heart. I'm hoping my new work distraction will help the time between now and court (3 weeks for SuperD, 2 months for Monkey) go more quickly. Right now, time is dragging.

Mini-update

Things have been a little crazy around here. This was SuperD’s first week at “summer school” as we’re calling it. He seems to be enjoying it, but he’s already had one time out so we’ll see. I also had Monkey all set to stay with another foster mama while I work. I ended up being uncomfortable with the setup in the home so I’ve switched her to a state-certified in-home daycare provider that we’ve used before. It was really, really hard for me to call the foster mom and tell her we weren’t going to use her after all. I am no fan of confrontation of any kind. She was very polite about it, but I still felt bad.

Monkey is so much more mobile these days! She crawls properly now and pulls up on everything. She is still learning how to sit down without falling, and I have to stop myself from rushing over to prevent a fall every time she stands up. She’ll never learn if I don’t give her the chance to fall.

I wrote a post in my head earlier with an actual relevant to foster care topic, but it is completely gone now. That's what happens when you don't take notes and your mind is going in 50 different directions, I guess!

Small world

It’s funny, before we became foster parents, we didn’t hear about the world of fostering that much. Now it is everywhere!

We bought a treadmill off of Craigslist today. The whole transaction was conducted via text message between me and the woman selling the treadmill. We didn’t even exchange names, just coordinated pickup times. When hubby went to the next town over to pick it up, he started chatting with the couple. Turns out, they’ve just finalized adoption on their first foster placement! They talked a little bit about fostering in their town vs. our town and hubby headed back home.

He called me on the way home to tell me about the coincidence and that the treadmill-seller recently went to the National Foster Parent Association conference. I texted her that I was jealous, which led to another hour or so of texting back and forth. We finally introduced ourselves and agreed to get together for a playdate! You just never know where you’ll find a kindred spirit.

Party time!

In light of SuperD’s very anxious behavior after Mother’s Day, we scaled back our Father’s Day celebration. Hubby and I both have birthdays this week as well, so last night we had a mini-party at home. I had SuperD make a list of what you need at a party:

• Pizza
• Presents
• Cake
• Balloons

I thought he nailed it! We went to the store, and I asked him to pick out a balloon for each of us. He picked out a cool clear balloon with fish inside for me. Hubby got a pretty fantastic sparkly, ladybug! We also picked out a cake that I thought was cheesecake, but was in fact a white chocolate raspberry layer cake. Turns out, it was still yummy. :) We all watched Monster, Inc. and our little celebration was a success! Low-key celebrations are definitely the way to go.

Hubby's Father's Day/birthday balloon