Thursday, March 28, 2013

Losing sleep

As always, life has been a whirlwind.

Last week, we had SuperD’s permanency hearing. It got continued for a reason that is unfathomable to me. One person, his guardian ad litum, was sick. Okay, if she had anything to contribute, I would understand postponing. However, this is a person who has NOT ONCE in almost 8 months met SuperD or even made any contact with me. How exactly is her courtroom absence worth delaying SuperD’s permanency? She doesn’t care about my kiddo. She’s being paid  (admittedly, not much I’m sure) to do a job she’s not doing. And NOW we’re in an awkward spot because we may have to resume contact with SuperD’s mom, which he hasn’t had in almost a month. SuperD is struggling so much right now that inviting this contact back into his life is going to be really, really rough on him and on hubby and me. This whole situation just sucks.

Meanwhile, it looks like Monkey’s relative placement option is falling through and they MIGHT be requesting a TPR/adoption goal for her in May. Normally we would be excited, albeit heartbroken for a bio-mama who is trying SO hard but will likely just not be able to parent. However, Monkey has four siblings in another home. While I know we’ll be considered to adopt her, I wonder if that is even fair to her. Should she grow up away from her siblings, who are all together? They adore her. I see it at visits every month. Placing them together was not an option, but don’t they deserve the chance to be raised together if they can find a family who will take all five? Or do we somewhat selfishly pursue adoption of a baby we, too, adore, with a commitment to keeping in contact with her sibs?

Even though I know ultimately I will have little, if any, control over what happens with either child, these situations are keeping me up at night. What ifs churn in my brain for hours after bedtime. I think I’ve been awake until 4 a.m. at least twice in the last week. Hubs and I feel like we are overanalyzing everything, but that’s just how we are. We just want what is best for our little ones.

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