Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Down to the wire

We are coming out of a rough 24-hour downward spiral at my house. For the most part, other than some overwhelming ADHD symptoms, SuperD is fairly easy to parent. He is challenging in the way 4-year-old boys are. He is challenging in the way kids who have had 4 homes in less than a year are. But he has “only” been in foster care for 15 months and there is a good chance we will be his forever home. There are definitely days I forget I’m parenting a special needs child (as I consider ALL foster children special needs). And then there are days where it is, so clear that his needs go beyond that of a typical child and I question whether we can even begin to meet them. Whether we want to meet them forever.

I have perused a lot of foster/adopt blogs. Recently I have been seeking older child adoption blogs and resources. I know at age 4, SuperD isn’t really an older child. But I need an idea of the worst case scenario of what to expect if we adopt him. I’m learning a lot. Things could be MUCH worse with/for SuperD. Many, many foster and adoptive parents deal with challenges and daily struggles that I cannot even begin to comprehend. And those homes are filled with anxiety, rage, chaos, struggles, hope, laughter and, most importantly, LOVE.  Our home is filled with those things, too. Some days, the rage is mine and I have to fight myself to keep it on a therapeutic parenting level.

The hubby and I feel like pessimists, like we are overthinking this. Like there is something wrong with us for not just feeling that he is our child and that we want to tackle anything he may throw at us. But there it is. We’re just not sure. And in 48 hours, the state is going to ask for a goal of TRP/adoption, so our time to make a decision is rapidly coming to a close. We want to wholeheartedly desire to parent SuperD. And we know we can be good parents to him. I feel like we need to get out of our own heads and make this decision with our hearts. Why is that so hard??

P.S. This post was actually supposed to be about working through a 24-hour cycle of anxiety, tantrums and being “stuck.” Another day, I guess.

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